Thy Will Be Done....

Several times in the past 2 weeks I have sat down to write about my life these days only to write for an hour and then just cut and paste it to my journal because it is just too much. I will try again tonight. I am my dad's daughter and I like to organize thus the bullets...

• I felt in my heart of hearts from the day after Dad told us about the cancer that this cancer was going to take him. Of all my family I felt I was the only who felt this way and it was a horrible I-have-no-faith, I-am-a-pessimist feeling. I believed that because I knew this that when the cancer did take him it would be easier for me. I was terribly wrong.
• For six months all of the family was praying and pleading that Dad would get well and we always would add Thy will be done. We wanted whatever the Lord wanted for Dad and therefore our family. I believe that His will was done but I must say that it is much easier said than done.
• I believed that because my dad has been sick for 7-8 years with this cancer (unbeknown to us all) he started to withdraw from us a bit. We were used to him not being around sometimes. I thought that would help prepare us for him being gone. I was wrong.
• I truly believe until we have lost someone close to us it is hard to understand the term mourn with those that mourn. I will do better in the future.
• I have learned that it is ok to cry when I am sad.
• My testimony has grown trememdously. I know that there is a Comforter that we are entitled to if we will but ask. I know that the Spirit World is just a step away, closer than we could imagine. I know that Christ lives and that we will see our loved ones again.
• My heart breaks for those who go through this experience without the knowledge of the plan of salvation.
• This is hard, really hard.
• Laughter still comes. Talking is good. Everyday gets a bit better. Laundry still sucks. (Pardon my french!)

He taught me to dance in the kitchen

My sweet Dad passed away peacefully on Wednesday, March 26, 2008. It is so hard to put into words what transpired. We knew he was very sick. We knew the cancer may claim his life someday but despite that knowledge the suddenness in which this happened has left me gasping. I was lucky enough to have spent a nice evening with him on Tuesday. It was just the two of us for a while and we talked about how every day was a gift and I told him I wanted there to be a lot more "every days". On Wednesday morning he spent the morning with Alli helping her get ready for a job interview. Later that morning he stopped talking to Alli which prompted her to call me. I talked to him on the phone and he was able to answer "Yes" to my questions. After talking to Alli for a few minutes we knew that something was amiss and Alli called Mom. Mom came home and the ambulance was called. We came to find out that he was no longer getting enough oxygen and he slipped into unconsciousness. With the help of the paramedics and the nurse we were able to get his oxygen levels up a bit higher but he never regained consciousness.
Through the next few hours amazing miracles transpired. The blessing of having all six of his kids with him at this time would have made my Dad very happy. It was a miracle that we were all able to be there. Most of the grandkids were even able to come give him a final "Rock". His sons blessed him and we knelt and prayed together as a family. I held his hand which had once been so strong and now was so tired. We talked quietly and we were laughing and crying and reminiscing together when he finally gave up the fight. He died very peacefully at 5:30 in the afternoon.
Mom really wanted to do the funeral on Saturday so the next few days were packed full of picking out the casket, writing the obituary, putting together the program, calling many friends and family members, putting together the displays, making the DVD, and practicing songs. Keeping busy postpones the grief until nighttime. Nights are hard. The Comforter was with us so strongly that it was difficult to leave each other. I wish I felt that close to the Spirit all the time.












The viewing and the funeral were so comforting. I was amazed at how many people told me that my dad was their best friend. I learned a lot about him as others would tell me stories. I gained strength from the love and support of others. There was a lot of laughter and joy there for me amidst the sorrow.













This week I have been grateful for so many things.

• My righteous mom is so full of love and of the Spirit and she is my strength and example. Her spirit and faith fills our home and each one of us in turn.
• My husband is my rock and gets me through the hard nights, lonely moments and makes me laugh.
• My brothers are my pillars on whom I can always rely. They are all that is fine and right and true. Dad is proud of each of them.
• My sisters are part of my heart and understand me without explanation.
• My sister-in-laws and future brother-in-law are the bricks of our family. They have been absolutely amazing. They are there for not only their spouses but they are the action behind all the planning and details. They did everything to help make things go smoothly and I am so grateful for them.
• My in-law family are my own personal back-up family. They have helped with phone calls, cards, flowers, baby-sitting and just letting me cry on their shoulders.
• My extended family for their support. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins are the mortar which held us all together. Many travelled long distances to come to the viewing and the funeral. Their hugs and smiles and tears helped us go on. Family is amazing. I love them all.
• My friends have been fantastic. I cried with them the most! Their comfort was not expected which made it that much more powerful. I love them so much and consider myself very lucky to have them in my life.
• The Comforter who is real and powerful.
• My Savior and my Heavenly Father. They live. They love me. They love my dad. Together they have made a plan which makes it possible for me to not only see my dad again but for me to live with him forever. I cannot express the joy that knowledge brings. I find it amazing how my testimony is stronger than ever as we go through this process.

Lastly, I am grateful for Dad. He was a good man. He loved his family. He had a firm testimony. He served his fellow men. He taught me correct principles. He taught me to laugh. He took out my splinters. He listened to me sing and supported me at my concerts. He welcomed my friends into our home. He worked hard to give us nice things and take us fun places then he stressed about traveling! He taught me about knots. He taught me to love our family history. He couldn't stand to teach me to drive a stick shift! He worried more about me than the car after I got in an accident. He was a great support to the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. He helped wire my house. He danced with me in the kitchen. He was my dad and I will miss him.

What a week!

This was one of those weeks when you are so very amazed that you survived!

1. Dad is home! We had a rough week at the hospital. On Tuesday Dad's oxygen levels were not improving and he was becoming more and more despondent and depressed. We were very worried about him! On Wednesday morning they did some more tests and we got the horrible news that he has multiple blood clots in his legs and multiple blood clots in his lungs. We were appalled and terrified. No wonder he can't get enough oxygen. There is nothing more that they could do to break up the clots other than keep giving him the medicine that he was already taking. We decided that we (meaning Mom) could give him the medicines he needed at home so we finally brought him home on Thursday afternoon. He is so much happier and so are we. Hospitals are not fun places. He has been able to see his kids, some grandkids and the dogs (Hope and Walter). He has seen neighbors and friends and been able to visit with some of his brothers. We don't know what the future holds but at least he is home and happy!

2. 13 years! Dave and I have been married 13 years on the 16th! Where has the time gone? I had no idea at the time what a great husband and father Dave would become! I couldn't do this life without him!

1. He always helps out (in fact this week he did it all with no help from me!) with laundry, cooking, shopping, and cleaning.
2. He wrestles with the boys so I don't have to!
3. He makes me laugh sometimes even against my will.
4. He would do anything to make me happy.
5. He is a great provider and a hard worker.
6. He is still a good kisser. Much to the distress of the boys.
7. He enjoys serving others. He tries hard to choose the right. (He did choose me after all)
8. He has a great smile and it always makes me happy when I can get him to smile!
9. He is always willing to say he is sorry. He is also very quick to forgive.
10. He is my best friend. The person I want to talk to first. The person who I want to remember the joke for. The person who will have empathy even when he doesn't understand what I am talking about. The person who would never laugh at me unless he was supposed to be laughing. The person who would sacrifice almost everything for me. I am so lucky!

3. Sports for kids! I know there are many arguments pro and con for putting kids in sports but I must admit that I am a fan. They learn about winning and losing and being a good sport regardless. They learn about practicing, working hard, listening to a coach and ignoring the crowd. They learn about having good days and bad days, about playing for the good of the team and if that is not enough they come home tired and ready to sleep! So here we are ending basket ball and starting baseball and soccer. What fun!

Dad Update

Dad has had his first 6 weeks of chemo and his first two week break. It hasn't been much of a break. He has been so shaky, weak, a little out of it as his mind is not as sharp as normal. He has been very nauseated and can't even drink water anymore without getting sick. Wednesday he was supposed to start his 2nd 6 weeks of chemo. Mom decided to take the day off and go with him. When they got to the Dr.'s they took his vitals and discovered that his oxygen was extremely low. They immediately put him on oxygen. They also discovered that his white blood count was high which indicated that he had an infection of some sort so they prescribed an antibiotic and sent him to have some x-rays of his lungs.

After they arranged with the home medical company to have a portable oxygen unit for him he was able to go home which was great news. He had been a little out of it and very nauseated for the 2 weeks between chemo.

Wednesday night he slept for the first time in days and woke up Thursday feeling encouraged. The home nurse came to check on him and discovered that his oxygen levels were getting worse instead of better. The Dr. was notified and he told him that he needed to go to LDS hospital. They were concerned because after looking at his lungs they didn't think that they looked bad enough for how low his oxygen levels are.

So Mom broke the news to Dad that he had to go back to the hospital and after a blessing for Dad and Mom from Andrew and Mitch they headed into LDS Hospital. They did tests last night and today including an EKG, CAT Scans, Barium swallow, Ultrasounds, MRI's and more x-rays. They were encouraged to see that his white blood cell count was already significantly lower which means the antibiotics were doing their job. They did notice some elevated liver enzymes and are going to take a closer look at his liver tomorrow when they do another CAT scan.

They found a blood clot but the Dr.'s seemed to think it was just the old one from after the surgery and not a new one. The nurse told Mom that they were really concerned about Dad's heart today as it was at 180 when they would ideally would like it below 100. They had a cardiac specialist looking after him today.

Mom finally called a little while ago with the days concluding notes. The blood clot they found is the same one as the one in November but it is huge again which is what is causing his 1) elevated heart rate, 2) breathing difficulties and 3) pnemonia. I had no idea that the clot never went all the way away the first time but apparently it just got really small but after he got home and off the really powerful blood thinner (Heparin) and onto the normal blood thinner (Cumadin) it started building back up! So it is back and risking his life again. They talked about going in to remove it but it would require opening up his chest (similar to open heart surgery) and he couldn't do that and going in through a vein is too risky. So they are rapidly getting him back on the Heparin and hoping that will once again help dissolve the clot.

Mom and I talked today a lot while I was at the hospital and we decided that Dad is really sick. Brilliant, I know. We have never been through this cancer, chemo, blood clot, thing before and we seem to be constantly reminded that it is a horrible thing that leaves the person feeling miserable and weak and tired and just plain sick. It isn't like a cold where you feel better by getting up and going on with life. It is as different for each person as the person is.
It is again another reminder of how grateful I am that I have siblings (both by birth and by marriage). I mentioned to Mom today that I am so glad that I am not an only child because when life happens I have people who I can turn too. Who love Mom and Dad as I do. Who understand how I feel. When the crisis's come they are who I want to talk to, to lean on and I love them for all their strengths.

Just January!

Well January is almost over! It is so cold. It is even colder around my house than it should be. Whoever designed the heating system in my cute little 38 year old home obviously wasn't thinking about little children. You see as you walk out of my family room into the hall leading to the boys room/bathroom/laundry area is a little light switch. This fascinating little thing is eye level to a two year old and happens to control the furnace. So several times a day when I notice that it seems a bit chilly I go check the switch and sure enough. It is off. It isn't so bad except for 2 nights this week apparently Joseph turned it off right before bed time so we all wake up to a house that is below 50. It is hard to get kids out of bed when it is so cold.
What a fun month it has been. We went sledding and had a great time. All of the Rencher cousins (even Claire) were there. (hey, that rhymes) My kids love cousins! I asked Josh when he was having a "Why did I have to come to this family" day if there was anything he could think of that he LIKED about this family and he came up with cousins. Thank goodness he has some of them! Oh and Joe-Joe was a plus also.

Speaking of cousins! We got the exciting news this month that Brad, Sara and company are coming (oh wait, maybe not, ok now it is back on) back to Utah! I honestly didn't see that one coming. When they presented Mom and Dad with a homemade day planner/calendar for the upcoming year we all thought they were expecting a baby (which is exactly why they did it!) If you read this and happen to see Adam or Emma don't tell them yet! Sara didn't want to face having Adam ask if they were going to Utah yet every 5 minutes from now until June! I guess Brad is coming to start work here tomorrow.

It was really fun on Saturday to go with Tricia to pick out her wedding dress! I realized that I won't have many chances to do that since all I have are boys! I wonder have any of you that are married ever invited your future mother-in-law to go with you to shop for wedding dresses? I think not. Point made! I am so excited for Tricia and Brandon. We went to Brandon's house after to see where they are going to live and see all the changes he is making to accommodate his expanding family. What a nice guy!

We had a fun party here last night with some of my high school friends. It is amazing to see what good guys they have all become. They make me laugh! Dave borrowed Rock Band from Paul and Nate and they stayed until 10:00 playing. I can remember the days where they would call me up and say they were coming to pick me up for a "jam session". We would head over to Matt's basement where they would play music very loudly and play air drums, air guitar and air everything else while they sang the lyrics. All very amusing. Like I said I am amazed they turned out so well!

Alex turned 5! He and I are both happy he has accomplished this amazing feat. I have been telling him for months that 5 year olds....don't scream, get dressed all alone, say their prayers all alone, brush teeth all alone.... and he is actually doing these things. The power of the mom at this age!

Josh went to 6th grade maturation and learned all about being a boy and a teenaged boy to boot! He learned about hormones and about becoming angry and thinking his parents were no longer smart. So everytime he starts getting angry I tease him about his hormones. I know I am the Worlds Worst Mother but it makes him laugh and sometimes for a brief moment I can see the little boy in those surly eyes (can eyes be surly? maybe hostile is a better description). He will be 12 this summer and we just found out that he will be going on the Pioneer Trek with the YM/YW. I can't believe that my son is that old! I must have started having children very, very young!

Jonathan got to go to his 8 is Great program. He is such a good boy! He is so funny though because when I do something he doesn't like he yells at me... "Fine, then I won't be baptized!" When he goes for a threat he goes big!

Dad is into his 3rd week of chemo and he did pretty well this week. He seems to get really sick for the first few days after the chemo and then he feels better for a few days until we start again. I went over to "Grandpa sit" on Friday and he only gagged once the whole time we were there! He has lost 90 lbs and he finally had to go back on the feeding tube because he couldn't keep any food down but we are hopeful that in the future things will get better.

Well I heard that we are having a Carter family reunion over Memorial Day at Grant's Cabin and we are planning a Rencher family reunion at the Homestead over the 4th of July. So all of you to whom these apply please spread the word and put these on your calendars!

Love you all! Kelli

Give Thanks!

Dad is home! He came home today. He is off the oxygen and is eating on his own! I went over to see him and he was in his chair, watching a game and looking great! I got tears in my eyes it was so natural! We are all going to get together tonight to celebrate!

We are so grateful for the blessing of having him make it through the surgery and recovery. I have felt so blessed that we get to have him around for another season!

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I know I did! I cooked the TURKEY this year for the 1st time. Thanks to my chef/accountant brother-in-law, Paul, I did a great job. It was a great dinner and we all wrote down that we were grateful for this year. It has been another wonderful year.

I said that I was grateful for times spent with family. I love all my many families and am always happy to be around them. We took a delightful vacation (with some) and have had a few game nights, girls night out, movie nights, birthday celebrations and family fasts.

It is amazing how through this time with Dad I have experienced the feeling of "having their hears knit together with unity and love, one towards another" towards all of you. I love the feeling of working toward a common goal and I was thinking how I really should feel that all the time. We all are (hopefully) working toward a common goal of being together for the eternities. No matter where we live, how much we earn, how often we meet or even what team we cheer for we are supposed to have our hearts knit together. What a wonderful time to practice for the next life. I am grateful that I have you all! Love you!

Two steps forward...

Well Dad took a little step back. Apparently since he has been vomiting everytime he eats he has aspirated it into his lungs. So as of yesterday he has needed more oxygen again and he is only on the feeding tube. No liquids, no food, nothing. Bummer. We are thinking if he can clear his lungs quick and be able to get onto real foods quick he may still make it home for Thanksgiving. Keep him in your prayers!

Love you all

Kelli

Progress!

We have seen a lot of progress these last few days! Dad has eaten real food. He is off the epidural. All the IV's are out of his arms. He is off the catheter. He is out of ICU!

I got to be there on Monday morning when we took him to the 4th floor. Dr. Collins (the surgeon) came and told him "We need this bed for a sick person". What great news! He has been able to shower, sleep better, talk on the phone and see grandkids, neighbors and feel a bit more human.

He and Mom met with the oncologist yesterday and he told them he has never seen a larger blood clot than they one that was complicating Dad's recovery! We are so grateful that he was able to survive that nasty clot. He is so blessed.

Sometimes I forget about the cancer part. The surgery and the recovery have been so horrible. He has been on the brink of death more times than I would like to think about He is doing so well now that I sometimes breath a sigh of relief and think "He made it!" I forget. I forget that we are in the beginning of this ordeal not nearing the end. After the oncologists visit Mom told me about the process for chemo (which they will do before the radiation) once a week for six weeks then a little time off and then another once a week for six weeks episode. Then they will start the radiation. Wow.

It would be easier just to forget. It is amazing how all the other things in life march on. Homework, piano, PTA, YW, basketball, soccer, EQ, meals, and especially laundry go on and on. I am glad though. It is important to have some normalcy (although I could really do without the laundry!). I am glad that Mom has work and church to do. She is tired but at least she gets away from heart rates, oxygen saturation and caloric intakes for a little while. It could suck you dry! I was glad to see the other day that a social worker was stopping by an a regular basis to talk to them both.

I have been so grateful for good friends, good neighbors and a terrific family support base for both my parents and myself. I know both my mom and my dad have been blessed by the many prayers said in their behalf. Thank you. Thank you. You darling wonderful people!

Love, Kelli

Rollercoasters II

The trip was full of roller coaster rides the physical ones I could handle a lot better than the emotional roller coaster we were on that week also.

The best news came on Sunday when Alli called and said she felt like she needed to go home to Utah to be with Mom! That was such a blessing to us all. I was feeling bad about deserting Mom for the week and Alli was literally an answer to prayer. We all talked to Dad on Tuesday before he went into the hospital. Alli arrived that day and surprised them. On Wednesday we were all feeling rather anxious at Disneyland. As Tricia mentioned it is no longer the Happiest Place on Earth.

We talked to Mom and Alli several times during the day and we heard that the surgery was going well but it was going to take longer than they thought. We finally heard from them while I was on the carousel in Fantasyland. Mom called and said "Kelli, this is a bad cancer" She then started crying which made me scared so I started bawling and then Andrew saw me crying and he burst into tears and then Mom just stopped talking. Alli got on the phone and shared with me the news.

The cancer was a lot larger than they first suspected. They had to take 30% of the stomach and 80% of the esophagus. The stomach is now right under the collar bone. The cancer was in the lymph nodes and they took some bone marrow to see if it is in the bone. The surgeon told them that 10 years ago he would have seen that much cancer and would have just closed him back up. He said that he took all the tissue surrounding the esophagus including the infected tissue around the aorta. He said it was probable that it was was a 2 or 3. He said that he got all the visible cancer but he is positive that there is still microscopic cancer in Dad's body. He will have to have radiation.

It was a hard blow. We had thought it was a level 1 and that they would for sure get it all in the surgery. I had a hard time the rest of the day. Alli called later that night after seeing him and told us that he looked horrible. He had tubes coming from everywhere. We later found out that Mom was so upset she couldn't even talk to us. She wondered why we had done this to Dad. It was a hard day for our family.

Thursday was better. Mom told us that they had Dad sitting up and dangling his legs.

Friday was good also. They got a good surprise. Sara and the kids had jumped in the car and they were with Mom and Dad. Dad was still making progress.

Saturday he was transferred to a regular room out of ICU. Brad flew in and was with them now also. Dad walked to the elevator and was doing better.

Sunday Tricia and Mom went in and Dad was sitting in a chair. Tricia did his hair and put his socks on him and talked to him for a while and then he said was tired and wanted to sleep. He went to be and almost immediately started to go downhill. The nurse rushed in and they started trying to get him some oxygen. They tried a few different things and couldn't get his oxygen levels back up. Mom called Brad, Andrew and Mitch and told them to come give him a blessing. They transferred him back to ICU and the boys gave him a quick blessing. The doctors were all gathered around and discussing what was going on. Everyone but Mom left to come home and they said he had done a complet 180 from the day before. I called Mom and she was crying and was very frightened so Mitch and Haley and I rushed back in to be with her. They figured out that it was a pulmonary embolism in his lung. They were worried about other clots. They did a CT scan and then took him over to Angio. They said they had found several clots in both his legs and also a really scary one teetering on his pulmonary artery that could go to his lung or to his brain. In angio they went up through his vein and put in a filter below his diaphragm that would hopefully catch all blood clots coming from his legs.

A few days later we found out that it was so serious that the doctors had almost had to open up his chest to clear the lungs. The secondary worry that night was they needed to thin his blood. They were worried about the epidural bleeding under the skin which could press against his spine and cause him to lose feeling in his legs. The epidural is a good form of pain management and it makes it easier to breathe deeply since they don't feel the pain. The morphine alternative would make it more difficult to breathe which would cause more complications. After weighing the options the doctors decided to leave the epidural and to start the Heperin (blood thinner).

The nurse came out at about 6 and told Mom to come help Dad take a pill to help him relax. I was finally able to go in and see him. He looked like a scared little boy. He is frightened and confused. One of the side effects of oxygen deprivation is decreased mental abilities. He was loopy. He didn't want to take the pill. Mom went in and told him that she loved him, his kids loved him, his grandkids loved him and that she wasn't ready for him to go home to his parents. She reminded him of how he promised to fight hard. Then she convinced him to take the pill. He was finally able to rest and slept for the rest of the evening. I stayed with him while Mom ran home to get a change of clothes. He slept most of the time and I sat and held his hand. It was amazing to sit there quietly and let the memories of my big, tough, strong father wash over me while I held the hand of this smaller, weak, scared man. I love him and am not ready to lose him.

Early this week the doctor talked to Mom and Dad and gave them the results of the tests. The cancer has not spread to the bones!! Yea! It is in the lymph nodes and it is rated a stage 3a. So much worse than we thought! Dad will have to have chemotherapy and radiation. He was a little disinheartened at the news. He didn't know it was that bad. I really believe if he had known it was a 3 he would not have done the surgery. I hope that not knowing the truth and going through with the surgery will be a blessing to us!

The last three days have been a continuation of that rollercoaster ride. He has been on bed rest because they were worried about the teetering clot. We are now mainly worried about his oxygen levels. He is at 100% for a few hours then down to 55% then back to 100% the next day. On Tuesday he was able to sit up and even have a few ice chips. Mitch & Haley were dad sitting Wednesday night and had him watching a Jazz game and we were glad to hear of dad doing something normal. Wednesday he had his barium test to see if the seals between esophagus and stomach are tight. The test was great. If his oxygen level was higher he would be able to drink but they gave him a little bit of grape juice Thursday morning is all. He did walk today again which is great. He is getting better just not as fast as we would like!

It is amazing to see my courageous dad fight his way through this trial. My mom is the epitomy of faith and my brothers and sisters are a constant support to both of them and to me. I am glad I not on this ride all alone!

Good News, Bad News

So first the bad news. Dad has Esophageal Cancer. For the last few weeks he has had trouble swallowing. He went in for a surgery to have a stent put in and they found a growth. They took a biopsy and on Wenesday night we heard the news that it was malignant. Not a fun night for us. It is very interesting to me the different reactions that my siblings and I went through. Prayers, Tears, Laughter, Anger, Denial, Finding Information, Counseling mode, and Shock. We went through the weekend full of fear! The diagnosis and prognosis on the cancer internet sites was not good. It was horrible in fact.

Dad went into organization mode. He updated his will, wrote letters, planned his funeral and talked to everyone. His heart was soft and he was full of love for us all. It is amazing the spin that a lot of the LDS Conference talks took when we were thinking of all the "What Ifs?" Mitch and Andrew gave him a couple of wonderful blessings! What a great thing to have these worthy, soft hearted men in our lives. I am grateful for good brothers and brother-in -laws. All of them are a blessing in my life!

Now the Good News. He had his tests (CT and PET scans) on Monday, 8th and on Tuesday met with his "Team" for the prognosis. We found out that he is between a stage 1 and stage 2! Wow. We were fearing a 4, expecting a 3, and hoping for a 2! What great news. The surgeon is very confident that with surgery they can cure him! It doesn't look like it has spread although there are some signs of something on his pancreas and a lymph node. They will check that out when they do the surgery. He goes in for a EUS (Endoscopic Ultrasound) today and then they will schedule the surgery. The surgery is horrible. It takes 7 hours and he will be hospitalized for almost 2 weeks for recovery. They are going to remove 2/3-3/4 of his esophagus and pull the stomach up high to meet the stub that is left. Not a pleasant sounding thing is it?

So after thinking we could be so close to losing Dad, it is nice to have him back with us! We hope and pray it will be a great while yet.